On Alaska, Pumpin’ The Hump, and The Legend of Shackle Mouth: Part 1

Primus - John the Fisherman

Greetings Friends.

There are a couple things within my life I regret:

First, that class I accidentally took at the civic center concerning transgender meditation (stupid dyslexia).

Two, that I broke the first cardinal law of blog etiquette and failed to keep my blog constantly updated.

I have been in town a while now and when I first got back from Alaska it was true I was just too busy to write. Yet, I have been at home since September and now knowing that you may be asking yourself (if you have nothing better to think about, in which case I pity you) what have I been doing since and why I haven’t adhered to that aforementioned trespassed cardinal rule? For the most part, I have continued to work on the boat doing shipyard tasks and in my spare time have tried to think of a good excuse to mislead my blog readers into thinking that I am not some complete waste of space and that I really did have some pressing issue going on that kept me from writing. All this in order to cop-out of the encumbrance of responsibility which confronts me daily due to my lack of blogging discipline.



Yet, apparently when it comes to moving beyond the regular poop and fart jokes, my wits fail me. So, I could not come up with anything at all in terms of an excuse. Thus, with no other option, I have resorted to bring unto you an air of honesty and can only ask, and hope, for your forgiveness in this matter. If I can’t get that, then you can always just bite me and go visit Huffpo or something else you ungrateful pile.

With that out of the way, I thought I would take this time to reflect upon my adventures in the land of oil, Palin, and fish. Alaska is a state where the scenery runs the gamut between gorgeous and desolate, and the people run the gamut between alcoholics, drug addicts, recovering drug addicts, convicts and ex-convicts. Needless to say I felt right at home. Of course I jest. (I need to say that, for most the people up there have guns and I am planning on returning sooner or later.)



I spent 3 months over the summer working on a fine, seaworthy, 112-foot schooner, the “Sea Ern.” To clear up any confusion, the boat is named after a sea dwelling bird and not some buoyant transoceanic vessel used to store the ashes of the deceased. Its almost a perfect name because its not too cliché, and has an association with marine biology which isn’t too overbearing or tacky. I say “almost perfect” because of a superstition concerning boat names, but I will get into that later. At any rate, a lot of boat names are just stupid, or a little too esoteric, though you may occasionally run across an interesting one like the “Oh Snap,” or “The Happy Hooker.”



I worked with 4 others. There was of course Rolf, the captain who skillfully got us safely from port to port and who would sometimes yell out some not so gentle words of “encouragement“ to the crew when need be. There was Dennis (AKA “The Enigma“), the deck boss, crane operator, and avid professional wrestling fan with an itchy trigger finger. He was an all around likeable hard ass who was responsible for foreseeing that which went on upon the deck. There was Jack (AKA “Captain Jack Swallow”) the engineer who kept the boat running and whom you tried not piss off, for if that occurred, something wicked our way would surely and surly come. There was also Jason (AKA “The Social Butterfly,” and “The Main(e) Mojo”) a deckhand, crane operator, and proud New Englandish disciple of Tom Brady, who dreamed of being back home in Maine where he could sit on is porch and drink “beah’s” with his “dag.”


It was always odd listening to The Social Butterfly speak and it took some time getting used to because apparently in the state of Maine the alphabet only has 25 letters, for they seem to have no idea what an “R” is, or if they do, they only have a theoretical understanding of its use.

Then of course, there was me, Brandon, (AKA “B-Low,” and due to my ability to scamper about on deck with both grace and agility, “The Gazelle.”) a lowly deckhand. I was, along with Jason, a peon and did everything from pilot the boat on occasion, to cleaning up the galley. Since my culinary prowess can ruin Ramen, clean up usually was reserved for me. That’s okay, it turns out I would make a fine housewife someday. If I were into that. What a good wife I would be.



Looking Glass - Brandy (You're a Fine Girl)

So did I work on a fishing boat? No. Did I work on a processor? Again, No. So what the hell did I do?

I worked on a Tender.

In case you are too lazy to Google it, I have provided some visual aids and, obviously due to their quality, they are a large part of why this particular blog entry has taken so long to complete.

Below is a chart giving a brief description of the whole fishing process, which I have labeled “Fig. F.”



Now, as before mentioned and indicated in the above diaphragm, the Tender doesn’t actually do the fishing. There are two main ways that one goes about catching a load of Salmon. The Sockeye (Fig. S), or Red Salmon (Reds for short) are usually caught using what is called a gillnet, which most of you could quickly recognize and are familiar with. It is a net designed with a certain specified size mesh, which is stretched across a body of water and into which the salmon lodge their wee little heads and get snagged by the gills. The net is hauled up and the fish are plucked out of the net into large tote bags called “brailers.”.



The Pink (Fig. P), or Humpy Salmon (Humpy for short), were caught utilizing a seine net (the net pictured in Fig F.). These nets have a smaller mesh and are not designed for catching the salmon by the gills, but rather to impede escape. The nets are wrapped around a school of fish, and are hauled up, the net, pursing and growing smaller until the fish are concentrated within the snug confines of the net. At this point is where we come in.



Sockeye are fished in the Bristol Bay region of Alaska. After the catch, the fishing boats tie up along side us, and we pluck the bags out of their hold by use of a crane. The bags are then lifted on board and are carefully weighed via a scale. Hanging from that scale, is a pelican hook (Fig. A). This hook supports the bag and has a tag line connected to it. Once the weight is recorded the bag is maneuvered over a large metal “dump box.” Attached to this box, is a chute, which leads directly to a manhole of any of the three corresponding tanks. The tag line is pulled and the pelican hook disengages, dumping the fish into the box and they then slide down the chute into the designated tank. This of course is our method of fish transfer, however, and it varies somewhat from boat to boat.



In the Prince William Sound vicinity of Alaska, large amounts of hatchery Pink salmon pour into the various fishing grounds spotted throughout the sound. Here seine nets are used and the method of madness changes quite a bit. In this instance we tie up directly to the seine and take, what is in essence a rather large vacuum cleaner, and put the hose into the net (Fig. B). The vacuum is fired up and the fish are sucked upward through the hose onto a sorting table/dewatering box. From here they pour into a “weigh box,” which directly hangs upon a scale. Once the vacuums cycle is complete, the fish are weighed and with the weight being recorded are dumped into the dump box, where they then pour down the chute into a waiting tank (Fig C).





That is just the work aspect of the experience. However, when you don’t set foot on land for about a month and a half and are confined to the same vessel with the same people, there is obviously quite a bit more about the whole venture.

First off, one should be warned that any commercial fishing undertaking has the ability and probability of completely destroying friendships. That being said, it also has the ability to create them as well. My theory though is that friendships are made and destroyed in alternating cycles with each fishing season.



Fishermen, and tender men as it were, are a very superstitious bunch by nature. So much so, I am probably trespassing against several right now, just talking about fishing and tendering in this blog. Even, in fact, as I sit here, land locked within a Starbucks sipping on a grande “shot in the dark.” I got a taste of these superstitions right off the bat, when I ignorantly arrived at the boat carrying a hard-backed suitcase. This apparently caused a couple of the crew members to look upon me with great hesitation, for it is bad luck to have such a suitcase because of its resemblance to a coffin.



I don’t know how they cleansed the vessel of such stigma, though I am pretty sure it involved the burning of sage. Not that I witnessed them burning sage, just, it seems, that this particular act is like a metaphysical aspirin, the first step and near cure all when it comes to such things.



Some other curious superstitions are that there are to be no women aboard a boat. Though it might not be tough for some people, like those in a 70’s disco band, for me it was extremely difficult and I was really only able to get by thanks to a Nancy Grace bookmark I happened to run across. Oh Nancy, how I missed your feigned tirades of supposed outrage which only serve to feed your ego and inject a healthy dose of sensationalism into the media mainstream.



Also, there are to be no bananas on board. Though, it may be extremely tough for some people, like those in a 70’s disco band, for me it wasn't difficult at all because I get all my sustenance from a extra large bottle of Centrum Silver.

In The Navy - Valhalla

(I smell a Grammy)

One of the most profound fishing (I will refer to it as fishing, though it has already been explained that we don’t fish, its just quite honestly more aesthetically pleasing to say “fishing,” than “tendering.” In addition, an argument can be made that it is warranted due to tendering playing a vital and necessary role within the fishing industry) phenomenon’s which I ran across was that upon a fishing boat, everything is rendered with the innate ability to produce vital harm upon ones person. Even the most mundane of household, or boathold items as it were, become formidable weapons. I don’t expect anywhere else in the cosmos one can manage to lacerate themselves with a shampoo bottle, but once upon the water, one should remember to exercise caution while handling bodily cleansers.

If such an incident does unfortunately occur, one would be wise to keep it to themselves, for many hardened sea-salts get rather annoyed by those who complain about injury. So, knowing this, and being a fantastic klutz/moron, I had to devise some clever ways of keeping people from knowing about various injuries (though not all as there were several) and it was by these efforts I came across the best bandage ever made as far as I am concerned: Electrical tape. I think every hospital and first aid kit needs to be stocked to the rafters with piles of electrical tape, however that is a rant for another time.

And with that I must leave you for the time being, but there is still much more to be said. Yet, that will have to be saved for a later date (not that much later for much of it written). I wanted to produce it all in a single blog entry, but found myself wrapped up in an endless tangle of tangents. Thus, I need to write it in installments. Again, thank you for reading and thank you to everyone who spurred me on to sit at my laptop once again. Before I leave you though, I would just like to say that no pelicans were harmed or molested by me personally during the production of this blog article. There may be some indiscretions in my past that I might need to burn some sage for, but that’s for me to know and its none of your business thank you.



By the way, according to my sources at the International Bird Rescue Research Center, the Pelican was treated, released, and is now living comfortably in California eating more fish than Jeremy Piven.



Until next time, Brandon clear.

On Sarah Palin and The Bridge to Nowhere Flip-Flop

Just when you thought this whole flip-flopping issue had finally quieted down within the confines of political mudslinging and the media, Sarah Palin has to join the McCain ticket and it starts anew. This time it has to do with Sarah Palin’s so-called, “bridge to nowhere.” This whole deal concerns the Gravina Island bridge in Ketchikan, Alaska that she supported when she ran for governor in 2006. However, she changed her mind and decided not to build the bridge, but rather spend the money on what she and voters felt were the more important transportation issues. We of course do not get the full story from the media, for some reason, and again the Anchorage Daily News comes out on top of the national media when it comes to in depth quality reporting.

Support for the bridge dramatically declined amongst the Governor and people as the cost of building the bridge kept climbing, eventually to the point that it would cost the tax payer 400 million dollars to complete. The Anchorage Daily News even wrote an editorial pleading to the Governor that she would cancel the building of the bridge, which she did due to the climbing cost of the project and the fact that the public wanted more pressing issues to be accomplished. This bridge, that the Governor and public concluded was not worth the time, money or effort, was then shot down by Sarah Palin who worked in correlation to sound fiscal responsibility, her previously demonstrated views on cutting excessive arbitrary spending, and the will of the public. How that is bad, I do not know.

Thing is, I have always disliked the flip-flopping argument amongst all the candidates. What is important is the outcome, not how one reached their conclusion. We, the voters, do this all the time concerning issues within our personal lives, but cease to think twice about them. Even when friends, family and co-workers do the same it usually doesn’t occur to us, probably because its not in the public arena and blasted all over TV. However, concerning our politicians it, becomes issue because apparently everyone thinks that our elected officials need to be above the normal human thought process, emotion or mistake. We should examine our elected officials, this much I am not disputing, however we need to keep our expectations reasonable as well. I guarantee that every one in politics or running for political office has these flip-flops in their past. (Now to plagiarize a little off one of my previous blog posts concerning the subject...)

I don't mind a political figure changing their perspective on important issues, for socially our country is in constant flux concerning all issues. We need our candidates to be sensitive and not ignorant of this. The constant change and fluctuation of conditions and opinions within all forms of communal issues requires this; that our political applicant is willing to concede and alter his political views for the good of the people if such a situation arises, especially if that situation remains unforeseen.

This term, "flip-flop," however needs to be distinguished from a real relevant change in policy, and one that is completely arbitrary. This is the first factor that should be looked at in defining a true "flipfloppian," viewpoint. Is the change in policy relevant to pressing political or social circumstances? Second, that catalyst which has shifted ones perspective needs to be examined as well, if there even is one. Could it be concluded that it was a reasonable decision based on the data avalible? As mentioned before, because the catalysts concerning Sarah Palin and the bridge to nowhere were sound fiscal responsibility, the cutting arbitrary spending, and the will of the public; I feel her decisions cease to be a flip-flop because her conclusion had a solid, logical basis.

I therefore conclude that this flip-flopping argument holds no water realistically. If you are going to use this argument against Palin, which is your right as a voter, remember, you have to use the same degree of scrutiny against EVERY politician. Good luck in November.

Just because I hate whiny musicians...

On The Media Attacks of Sarah Palin

While watching the news over the last couple days, I have to say I am quite shocked at the media’s rather unfair and cruel coverage of Sarah Palin, especially concerning her daughter. I thought when I quit watching MSNBC I could expect to get better coverage of events happening in our world, however this was not the case. Media is so bad that even investigative reporting seems to be taking a back seat to the queries of the average individual. You would think, since journalists are “professional” that they would want to give their audience a full understanding of events and facts. Sadly, I believe I am going to have to quit watching the news and find other sources other than televised news coverage.

The media has been abuzz with the investigation of Sarah Palin in Alaska for supposedly using her power to have Commissioner Walt Monegan fired; seemingly, because he wouldn't fire Mike Wooten, the ex-husband of her sister. Sounds kind of bad, granted, but I felt there was a vital part to the story that was missing concerning the character of this person who was fired. Things like this person’s name, or what issues he was cited for were not readily available from cable news. These details were even hinted on over at CNN by Wolf Blitzer, but he instead actually said, “I won’t get into specifics.” That is your job Wolf, to give people specifics of the events you are covering and if your not going to do that then you should cease to “cover” them at all.

I could reach the conclusion that this was just politically bias on their part, and maybe in their case it was, but Fox News was no better. A channel that leans to the right, you would think, would offer up this information, but I haven’t heard a thing about it. To find out about this person, I actually had to go to the Huffington Post and The Anchorage Daily News. A regional paper and one of the most blinding biased news sources available that frequently omits information and that too often, to support its own political ideals, trespasses over things like common decency and professionalism, had more information than that of CNN and FOX.

Truth be told I would want this guy fired from the State Troopers as well. This officer of the law, one Mike Wooten, has been accused of using a taser on his 11 year old stepson, Sarah Palin’s nephew, in addition to illegally killing a moose, drinking beer in his patrol car, and telling friends his father-in-law would, “eat a f’ing bullet” if he helped his daughter get an attorney. He also threatened Governor Palin and he is lucky he just got fired and isn’t under investigation for child abuse, poaching, drunk driving and uttering a death threat.

Come on! A tasering of an 11 year old? If this was on Jackass, ok I wouldn't see such a problem, but this shows a lack of judgment, compassion and logic that should be required for an officer of the law to demonstrate. There are rules of conduct for cops and I believe tasering an 11 year old boy breaches several. However this isn’t all he has been accused of. In addition to allegations of domestic violence, he, after joining the force, had been reprimanded for damaging a state vehicle, speeding, unsafe lane changes, following too closely, not using a turn signal, personal cell phone calls, a speeding ticket, which he was suspened for, and received a memo highlighting his tardiness and conducting personal business while he was on duty.

It doesn’t excuse any illegal activity on Sarah Palin’s part, but what I want to know is to what degree a Governor can influence the firing of someone working within a State ran agency before it becomes illegal. I thought one of the duties of a Governor was to govern over the state and its various agencies; including the State Troopers. It is a cops duty to be a representative of the law, and this guy was obviously the complete antithesis of what a cop should be and I would want him fired too. It would be nice if details like these were provided in media reports, not to mention that these charges were only brought against Palin by former Public Safety Commissioner Walter Monegan after she had him fired, which makes the charges suspect because he didn’t feel the need to bring up these charges while under the States payroll.

These concerns are legit and should be investigated, which Palin is welcoming as well. However, what isn’t is the pregnancy of Palin’s 17 year old daughter Bristol. This is absolutely disgusting how the media is treating this. Obama showed his civility and needs to be commended when he took the moral high road above the media saying, “People's families are off limits. People's children are especially off limits. They have no relevancy and I strongly urge people to back off these kinds of stories. You know my mother had me when she was 18."

I agree with Obama and find it deplorable when someone’s political bias overrides ones human compassion. Bristol has to live with her own decisions and the consequences for them, and those decisions that were made were personal in nature. The responsibility falls on her alone and the media should stay away, or as Obama says, “back off,” because it isn’t like this girl has jumped in the public eye of her own accord and to drag her through the mud of media scrutiny is completely unwarranted and unfair. She is going to have enough challenges and hardship raising her child, now she has to worry about damaging her mother’s career. That is sick and twisted and people should turn their backs on any news organization that fails to think as real human beings and tries to twist this into something political. It appears that journalistic integrity is getting impossible to find nowadays.

There are those who are Democrats and supposed supporters of Obama that are continuing in this debate, despite Obama coming out strongly against it. It goes to show that such people don’t really support Obama nor the Democratic party, who have both come out against attacks on Palin based on this, but really only serve to bash anything that is Republican. I have heard such people attack the Republican party and Palin, saying that it is hypocritical since the Republican party takes the moral high ground. As opposed to what? Isn’t that what every party tries, or should try to do, emphasize morality? If you don’t you should not be in office. People may differ on the definition of morality between the parties in some aspects, but to discredit a party as a whole, Democrat or Republican, or group of people and ideal because someone in relation to a politician makes a mistake, is to me so stupid that I have no patience for it. Nor do I have patience for these “journalists” who seem more like ambulance chasers, rejoicing in the misfortune and hardship of others. I loath such people and at the risk of sounding cliché, they should all be ashamed. I for one would find it difficult to sleep at night if I acted in such a way.

What I also find offensive is this idea out there amongst some of the media that because her daughter is pregnant, that she is a horrible mother and if she can’t control even her family, how could she be expected to control the government? One of my hero’s Theodore Roosevelt put it best concerning his unruly daughter Alice, who was 100 fold worse than this situation with Bristol, when he said, “"I can either run the country or I can control Alice. I cannot possibly do both." Parents nowadays are unfairly ridiculed for the actions of their offspring. This is ridiculous and it must be remembered that what it really comes down to is personal responsibility and I wonder if any of these people attacking Palin concerning her daughter have any teenagers of their own. I doubt it.

In conclusion, another factor we don’t add in is the sons/daughters of cops/politicians/judges/religious leaders factor. It is normal for every kid to rebel, but more so when a parent has a position of authority amongst the civilian population. This is just how it goes and if you doubt me, watch Footloose sometime. Thank you for reading.

On Sarah Palin: The Future of The Republican Party?

When Sarah Palin was picked as John McCain’s running mate I was, not only shocked, but also delighted by his surprise nomination. Not just because of the increased historical significance of this current election and what she brings to it, but of who this women is and how she conducted herself within the national spotlight when she appeared at the podium in Daton, Ohio. She seemed extremely civil and articulate, yet she communicated in way where she didn’t sound like a politician and that is truly what I liked most about her.

The Democrats were quick to attack her on her lack of experience, which Obama himself refuted right away; smartly I may add. Obama has been attacked for not being experienced enough and I believe he knows that if engages in this argument, then it only serves to emphasize himself and he will be held at the same standard he is applying to Palin. He thereby might be considered hypocritical and this would not reflect well upon his candidacy. Truth be told, it is really the liberal media that has been more critical of Sarah Palin than even the Obama campaign, excluding of course the campaigns initial statement. The media sites her limited experience in an only local government and a lack of experience in matters of foreign affairs. These people have obviously never spent any significant amount of time in Alaska.

I come from a long line of commercial fisherman (Long line? Get it? It’s a commercial fishing joke! Hilarious!) and have spent many seasons in the land of the midnight sun. When talking about industry, Alaska, which Palin is governor over, has vast amounts of international import and export. The commercial fishing industry itself is so massive that Alaska’s Dutch Harbor is the biggest fishing port in the world today. Through it and other various Alaskan ports, Alaskan caught seafood travels to all corners of the globe. In addition, Vadez sits at one end of the 800 mile long Trans Alaska Pipeline, one of the largest in the world, continually loading millions of gallons of oil onto outgoing international vessels.

Within all the domestic and international commerce, there is bound to be some tension on the international level and this is certainly the case with Alaska. Tensions between Alaksa, Russia and Canada are ongoing over the argument concerning the interception of pacific salmon in the region. It is true that this is not like dealing with countries such as Iran or Iraq, but a reasonable argument can be made concerning these issues that Sarah Palin has more foreign affairs experience than Obama does.

I believe, at least at this point, that this will become a non-issue, negated by the lack of experience by Barack Obama. Now, his lack of experience has never really been an issue with me when weighing the candidates, because I really am looking to have someone new in the White House. With this so-called experience that people are looking for, happens to come more corruption and a disconnection with the American people. I am not saying that Biden or McCain with their experience are corrupt and disconnected per say, for it would be unfair for me to make such an absolute judgment. However, I believe this to be the trend in government, and believe we do need “one of our own” to step in, so that the common man can be represented within the highest forms of government. Truth is, nowadays there are only representatives for the Democratic and Republican parties, not the people and its about time new blood comes to Washington.

To offer you a really stupid analogy, I recall getting some subs put in the back of my old Chevy Blazer (Gasp! Please don’t send me letters Greenpeace, I now know the error of my gas guzzling ways.). I was getting two put in the far back of the vehicle and told the stereo technician exactly where I wanted them placed. He informed me, because they were facing each other directly, with the same output, the noise emitting from each sub would be negated, not producing the high quality sound I was looking for on either side. This is going to be the case with the experience argument and instead this election will now focus on what it should; things like policy and individual merit, which thus far I feel it has lacked. So I welcome Sarah Palin to the Republican ticket, and for me at least, she has made the Republican ticket that much more intriguing.

Before I leave and take my weekly shower, I would like to say how shallow it is that the Democrats and media think that she was chosen just to pick up the Hillary vote. I find this idea to be, for lack of better words and a thesaurus, completely stupid and it has effected my view of the Democratic party and the media in general, because they seem to be engaged in a sort of panic mode, fishing for anything to discredit McCain and Palin. This might be an unfair globalization and this probably will not factor into my decision on whom I vote for, but I certainly think the argument is completely ridiculous. First, by her merits it is easily discernable that McCain would like her, Palin being so similar in personality, bi-partisanship and policy; though they do differ on some issues. Second, everything she has accomplished as an executive leader is completely ignored, as is the fact that she is the most popular governor in the country with approval ratings in excess of 80 percent within a state that is packed full of partisan, industrial, commercial and ethnic affairs. This is no small task even within the relatively small population of Alaska. Her merits as a reformer and her attacks against corruption in government, even amongst her own party, are well noted. Though it should be added that she is currently under investigation herself, but in an effort spearheaded by Democrats and some of those she booted out of power, which makes it suspicious. The charges are not even holding up against the intense media scrutiny that has begun to surround her.

This was a great decision on McCain’s part and a win, win, win one to boot. Maybe not in the general election, that remains to be seen, but in the context of what Palin does for the ticket. It will strengthen the base and energize those within the party. It will counter Obama’s historic run for the Presidency and perhaps pick up some of the women vote and blue-collar workers. When hearing these things discussed within the media, I have heard phrases like, “This is a political ploy,” or, “McCain just did this in response to Obama and to appeal to voters.” Are you serious? Of course! Is this really what are elected officials and those “educated” people within the media are saying? Welcome to Democracy moron. This is how the political system works, you respond to your opponent and try to attract voters and if your not supposed to, well you can just throw out the United States of American’s political system completely, including both McCain and Obama.

Above all else, where this succeeded was giving people, who might not as well have voted for the Republican party and undecided voters, a reason to look at the ticket and reflect on it. Even if it was for three seconds and people respond with, “I don’t think so,” it is still a success. Furthermore, I don’t think McCain will lose many votes with his choice, instead he will excite those with conservative political viewpoints, who maybe didn’t have a fire under their butt, to go and vote Republican. This was a perfect choice and I am excited for the Debates. The low expectations of Palin can be used to the Republicans advantage and she may end up surprising a lot of people in the end. Indeed, one politician in Alaska, whose name I didn’t catch, has said, “Obama and Biden have no idea what they just got themselves into.” With her nickname being “Sarah Barracuda,” this race could get very interesting indeed.