On Live Free or Die Hard

John McClane: "I'm gonna go kill this mother------ and get my daughter. Or go get my daughter and kill this mother------."

Rated PG-13 for action, violence, language and wasting my time with complete crap. In fact, it should have been Rated R come to think of it.

Staring: Bruce Willis, Timothy Olyphant and Justin Long.

First off I would just like to say that Bruce Willis is the man and thats why I found it so damn disappointing that he agreed to star in this horrible worthless pile that is Live Free or Die Hard. I have enjoyed action movies in the past despite a lack of plot, but not this movie. It was so far out of the realm of probablility, that I spent most of my movie going experiencing either sighing, laughing, or rolling my eyes. John McClain is indestructible in all the films, this is true, but THIS movie takes it to the extreme. In this movie, and its predecessor, Die Hard with a Vengeance, both films paint McClain, not a hero, but more so a complete loser who is not really good at anything except killing people and blowing stuff up. Even more so in THIS movie. His family hates Him, he is divorced, and probably still suffers from the same alcohol problem that plagued him in the last movie. Its as bad as it gets for McClain so if there were another sequel, the trend being as it is, McClain would have to be vomiting, urinating on himself, possibly homeless, with a screaming case of scabies.

The movie starts off with McClain trying to reconnect with his daughter by pulling her boyfriend out of a car while during a make-out, slash, feeling-up, slash, molestation session. There is a verbal confrontation between McClain and his daughter, who refuses to take his last name, probably because in addition to being a drunkard, he is a wife beater as well, which she may or may not have witnessed first hand. She storms off and McClain prepares to drive home, but gets a call from dispatch, telling him to go pick up a accused computer hacker, Matthew Farrell, played by Justin Long. To give you some idea of how amazing this young talent is, well he did the voice of Alvin on Alvin and the Chipmunks and is Mac on the PC and MAC Apple Computer commercials. 'Nuff said.

Anyways, unbeknownst to them, but already knownst to us, somebody is knocking off computer hackers, and the attempted assassination of Farrell just so happens to go down while McClain is picking him up. There of course is a large shootout, a large explosion and a terrorist who was apparently hired strait out of Cirque Du Soleil. They of course escape and they head to Washington DC, engaging in some unrealistic stupid dialog, while a terrorist plan unfolds that crumbles the governments infrastructure throwing everyone into a panic. The culprits of this attack are some mercenaries and an army of computer geeks, and because the federal government is so busy trying to take care of things, they pretty much disappear and now its now up to McClain and his new companion to practice some guerilla warfare and kick some butt alone. However, the butt kicking is so out there, the characters so indestructible and superhumanly agile, that despite the awesome special effects and cinematography, you really just can't connect with the action or feel any suspense, nor do you connect with the characters, or the plot because of its holes, though you might sit up in your seat and say, "Hey, its Kevin Smith," when Kevin Smith makes a brief appearance as the hacker Warlock.

Other then that though, between the horrible dialog, unrealism, and McClain flying helicopters, jumping from an overpass, to a harrier jet, to an upright section of road (that was the harriers doing), to the street below, nothing about this film works. Even the end with its ridiculous implied romantic intrest between Farrell and now Ms. McClain lacks substance, though the Yippy-ky-aye still makes its appearance. So Bruce Willis, your still the man, but this movie...garbage. I give it 1 out of 4 scabies.

On Cloverfield

Hud: "I just can't stop thinking how scary it'd be if a flaming homeless guy came running... "

Rated PG-13 for violence, terror, disturbing images, and spastic camera action.

Staring: Nobody you will know, although some of them have done some brief TV work: Michael Stahl-David, Odette Yustman, Mike Vogel, and Lizzy Kaplan. Remember these names people!

If you want the Blair Witch Project meets a large reptile, mammal, or bird, that has two legs, or four, thats from the ocean, space, or the center of the earth, and drops, or voids its bowels of larval forms of itself, herself, or himself, then my friend, this is the movie for you. Thing is, you really don't know what the creature is, or why its so irate. Therefore, its up to nerds like me to watch the film numerous times in order to speculate at what exactly is going on; which of course is a responsibility that I will gladly take upon myself. Though the movie starts off a little slow, you are introduced to the films' gimmick right away. The US Military has come across an amateur video taken by a handheld. The premise sound a little familiar? This video, of course, is code-named Cloverfield. We are introduced, first off, to Rob(Michael Stahl-David) and Beth(Odette Yustman) who have had a precious night of debauchery together. They begin to plan a day trip to Coney Island when the camera quickly changes both hands and dates. Next, we meet Rob's brother Jason(Mike Vogel) and his romantic counterpart Lily(Jessica Lucas), as they throw Rob a going away party, dated about a month after Rob and Beth's initial encounter. However, we quickly find things aren't going so well for poor Rob at the shindig because the object of his affection, Beth, by this time, has apparently strewn strands of her hair all over Manhattan(skank!). Subsequently, she attends the party with another guy. There is a brief altercation between Rob and the infidelity ridden tramp and she leaves with her new boo.

Shortly thereafter, something attacks New York City, throwing the party-goers into a panic. The dialog then becomes increasingly horrible, though it was already, and the only thing that really keeps you from getting too irked about it, is Hud(T. J. Miller); the character behind the camera for most of the film, save for about 3 seconds. He gives the occasional comic relief that doesn't always work, but it is relief that is sorely needed throughout the film. Not only is the dialog usually absurd and rather out of place, but the filmmakers try to incorporate the characters shock at being in such circumstances into the dialog as well. This doesn't go over too well due to the quality of the acting.

In addition, one of the four main characters the movie centers around, Rob, has a communication problem, and you get tired of the other members of the group asking him what is going on and if he is okay all the time. Due to his shock, or whatever, he finds them seemingly not worth responding to, which wouldn't be so annoying if it didn't happen scene after scene! It also seems rather unbelievable that the other "stars" of the movie, would join, or want to join, Rob on his frequently unspoken mission, which is, of course, to rescue his wanton bimbo, whose boo has inexplicably disappeared. In fact, one of the group, who seems to be almost a complete stranger, could have been replaced with any number of people at the party, so that geeks like me, who are bigger whiners then Veruca Salt, wouldn't have something to pick apart and complain about. As in most movies of this kind, you will find the people not acting in the way you would suspect a person to act in such circumstances. Of course, the fact that a 30 foot monster is attacking midtown Manhattan is a COMPLETELY reasonable situation...It could happen.

What makes this movie? Well, the action and special effects are great and thats about it. However, its enough to keep you in your seat, hoping to see more of what is tearing the New Yorkers apart, and its wake of destruction. If it weren't for those things, I would have had to run back to Walmart and ask for my money back. However, the CGI and the sound are incredible.
Now for some needless speculation: I believe the creature(s?) to be an giant of oceanic origin. The most explicit evidence for this is not found in the film, but rather on its poster. In addition, its offspring, or so they appear, seem to make a noise that sounds suspiciously like echo-location, akin to the clicks a dolphin might make. Yes, I am this big of a nerd! I also suspect there is more than one creature, although the only evidence I have for that is located within the, at best, jumpy footage of the movie.
The creature looks different at times. If you see the film, and have no friends to associate yourself with, than I challenge you to compare the picture to the left, with the gargantuan beastie at the end of the movie. There are a couple rather large details that seem to be missing, such as rather large rosy orange cheeks. Though, maybe not. Maybe its lighting. However, they need some innovative imaginative device for the sequel, which I hear they are doing. Supposedly, it is not going to be a sequel pertaining to the next day or some future date down the road, but rather another person or persons perspective of the same events, where a possibly marine, possibly reptilian, really upset monster, or monsters, attacked and destroyed New York City. It could happen.
So, yes, I must admit I am one of the moviegoers, who liked this film about a large undefinable monster, that rips up New York City, killing untold numbers of innocent people, and forcing the main characters into nonsensical, moronic dialog and various acts of idiotic tomfoolery. Despite these things; again the special/creature effects were amazing, and one cannot watch nor appreciate the movie without some real volume. With some killer surround sound and subs, the movie all of a sudden, gets a lot better. I have to give it three out of four Veruca Salts. Barely.