The Heimlich maneuver does NOT include punching the victim in the face.
Trout Flesh Lamp Shades: Not as good of an idea as it sounds.
A tide rip is a great natural tool one can utilize to hide evidence.
Kill indiscriminately. You never know who is out to get you.
Things aren't always as they seem on the surface. Sometimes they are really a man.
Since reason isn't enough to avoid trouble, flip a coin concerning all decisions. This way at least you can blame all your mistakes on chance.
Use discernment when determining what kind of jokes are appropriate to make at an airport.
A "Donkey Show" is NOT a form of Spanish rodeo!
Don't trust clowns with nightsticks, car batteries and air compressors. The air compressor is not for balloon animals!
Don't chew your fingernails after waking in the morning. You never know where your fingers have been during the night.
If you find yourself in a bind, a shower curtain will easily wrap any good sized bundle and minimize leakage.
Striking a walker or wheelchair in your car can cause significant damage and tends to leave evidence behind even though you may take off. Grab the items if you can to avoid your life being ruined just because you happened to glance down at the radio real quick to turn up the newest "Snow Patrol" song.
Never under any circumstances start a new medication before a job interview!
Defecating in your pants when getting pulled over doesn’t get you out of a ticket. The “speedometer is not accurate” excuse works much better.
When in prison, anyone named "Tiny" should be avoided. Furthermore, when people begin to chant "fresh fish" they probably aren't just being nice and trying to tell you what is on the lunch menu for later that day. Rather, it's probably you on the menu.
Supporting your local tricks helps to stimulate the economy.
To increase one's pain threshold, try ingrown toenails.
While cruising the Ave for drugs, never accept "Sweaty Crack." IT IS NOT A NEW KIND OF NARCOTIC! Neither is “Crank Shaft” for that matter.
An extensive collection of Jeff Goldblum memorabilia doesn't impress anyone and won't help you to "get the chicks."
Alarm clock not waking you up? Try meth and just don't sleep.
Sometimes just slipping something into someone's drink isn't enough. Always carry a backup club just in case.
To look cool make up as many acronyms as you can and use them abundantly. –YFBJMY
Slapping around a hobo is a great, harmless way to vent oppressed rage. It's also rather funny.
Ladies: There is no need to snicker about a guy behind his back. We are all better than that.
Make sure you actually research what a "doo-rag" is before you try and make a homemade one for a friend. Here is a hint: It's spelled "Do-Rag," or "Durag." "Doo-Rag" is not accurate.
Don’t Ask For A “Shot in The Dark” From One of Those Back Alley Baristas.
Never order anything anywhere containing both “rest stop” and “casserole” in the name.
Not All Antiques are Authentic. Some are Fakes Made by Sam Donaldson.
A human skull makes a mighty fine doorstop.
Turkey has to be the laziest country in the world. All that Tryptophan and everything.
Insecure with your body? Try cutting back on sweets or murdering all those people who called you fat in the first place. Either way, happy times lay before you friend.
Trendy fashions may come and go, but skin is always in style. Well, unless its all flakey and stuff, then that is just gross.
It is easier to try and sell 14 pairs of pants at a local thrift store if you are wearing some.
The ladies love a guy in uniform, but unfortunately, somehow, this doesn't apply to a Subway getup. I didn't want to talk to her anyways.
People, please. That "Dingo ate my baby" line just isn't funny.
It takes a steady hand to perform surgery. Not so much to commit armed robbery and assault.
Talk is cheap, but it could sure land you in some hot water with the federal government.
Guns and violence don't solve anything this is true, but they do further your ego. Cheers guns and violence!
The “Tennessee Waltz” can get a party started, but the “Jonestown Boogie” can really kill one.
Starbucks baristas do not find the term “coffee whore” to be endearing.
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