The “Deadliest Catch” isn’t about contracting TB and they don’t accept applications.
Always make sure to enunciate your words properly lest you get slapped. You would be surprised at how many women get “best” and “breast intentions” mixed up.
Jailers do not accept chest dander as a form of bribe.
Classes in rectal thermometry are more “in depth” than one might realize.
If a potential employer asks you if you have any questions for them don’t inquire if him and his wife “swing.”
Try to speak constantly with your tongue flicking the roof of your mouth and you can talk and sing like Dave Matthews.
Steve Perry’s mother and the father of Dave Matthews had an affair producing James Blunt.
With just a little stint in the exciting world of narcotics, you too could master the delicate art of lip-picking.
A Korean Thicket kicks the crap out of a China grove any day of the week.
If your pants won’t fit due to a succession of close birthdays, holidays and wedding celebrations, a quick incision near the undercarriage of the garment will help immensely.
Remember, a Peter Gabriel album played backwards produces some profound teachings in Scientology.
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, nor look into an irate horse’s anus.
Licking your chops all the time because you want to be Prince is enough to get you excommunicated.
The goal of Anthropology is NOT to destroy other cultures.
Every home needs a designated opium den.
The English language is an amazing thing. Especially when it is organized into an erotic novel.
If you purchase a Jetta you are required by law in 39 states to put a Roxy decal on the back window and hang a lei from your rearview mirror.
If you have a neon green liquid spilling out onto your driveway from underneath your truck don’t be too concerned about cleaning it up. The neighborhood pets usually do a pretty thorough job.
One doesn’t need to be “open” with their sexuality to become a Polymath. Stupid lying professors.
On Easter authorities do not find stealing eagle eggs to be an acceptable form of celebration.
While riding the bus, always avoid the slightly damp seat and anyone named “Russell.”
Because “Flame Retardant” could be considered to be offensive to either gays, or the mentally handicapped, or both, one should opt to say, “A material that is impervious to being lit alight.”
Superman isn’t dead. He just moved to San Fran under the name of Kenneth Kent.
There is no better place than Twitter to annoy celebrities without subsequent litigation.
Utilize a Bedazzler to give any boring old laptop a little flare.
If a girl asks for you to hold her, she probably doesn’t mean underwater.
Never let a cross-eyed man measure your bungee cord length.
Protected species are always the most tasty.
Celebrities usually have their homes protected, but not their garbage.
According to DNA tests, the Robert Patrick scabs I bought off E-Bay don’t match the “Terminator 2” star. Beware of E-Bay scab scams.
Urinating in a jar and lightening it underneath with a flashlight doesn’t create authentic psychedelics.
Decompression chambers are not to be used for comedic purposes. The bends are no laughing matter people.
Luck Dragons really don’t exist. They are usually just dead poodles with mange.
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