This was just an exercise we did in one of the five self-help, counseling groups I participate in and am obligated to weekly. They wanted us to write down 25 things about ourselves and my first version, a list of people I want to strangle to death with piano wire, just didn't fly for some reason. They asked me to try again. I thought I would post it here just so people could get to know me a little more, what makes me tick, and some of the things I like to think about or ponder. Prepare to gorge yourself on a feast of deep profoundness.
1. I can’t grow facial hair so I only have to shave like every two weeks. Therefore, I just make a habit of shaving every time I take a shower.
2. I hate spiders and lampreys…gross.
3. I can’t stand Keith Olbermann.
4. Once had the nickname “Random Brandon.”
5. I love watching old VHS recorded re-runs of “Step-by-Step.” They could have made a spin-off SO easily! I really need to find the series on DVD.
6. I spend my days sleeping and my nights crawling around in the bushes outside your home.
7. I think Anne Hathaway’s eyes are too big for her head. Sorry. Love you Anne. Call me!
8. I wonder how the fish mob dispatches of informants… do they flush them? Do they send them to go sleep with the feces?
9. I think it’s a little creepy there are no female fawns or centaurs…you know?
10. I am a misogynistic pig. If by “misogynistic” one means “charming” and by “pig” one means “gorgeous man.”
11. I am humble.
12. My eating habits are exemplary. Everything needs to be organic and the ingredients from preapproved eviro-friendly health farms that run their products quickly under a ray of harmless radioactive energy to kill all bacteria. Furthermore, it needs to be delivered to the store by a group of strictly vegan hippies that I give preapproval to. Any meat products need to be free of any growth hormone or steroid lest I pass out from a so far undiagnosed preexisting health condition. My coffee needs to come from the hills of Sumatra, with fertile easily tillable soil, and it needs to be grinded within my grinder. Any pregrinded coffee beans are unacceptable. They must be a dark brown in color, but not quite black and not quite tan with a pleasing aroma.
All farm animals must be of approved genetic stock with no family history of disease or defect. Their waste must be sifted through daily to make sure they are getting the proper diet and any lacking nutrition needs to be corrected immediately, the livestock in question separated from the rest of the group for two weeks, where its stool can be checked again and only then if acceptable can it be assimilated back into the herd. All animals must get plenty of exercise and have room to roam about, feeding on wild grass that was pre-planted to their arrival. The grass must not be too prickly or abrasive, but smooth and gentle as to help with the animals digestive system rather than be a hindrance to it.
13. I wish Billy Mays would stop yelling at me.
14. I LOVE the Ting Tings!!!
15. I can’t stand Keith Olbermann.
16. My posse is on Broadway.
17. I can’t stand Keith Olbermann.
18. My parents didn’t let me out of the crawl space till I was about 15.
19. I have a reoccurring rash.
20. I think “wicker” is the coolest word ever!
21. I have a wicker ball.
22. I have a few chronic dandruff issues.
23. I greet everyone I meet with a pleasant smile: It’s a great way to distract someone before you beat them over the head and take their money.
24. Some say I am crazy, but then again what does my therapist know?
25. I think the best invention ever is the “stopper” at Starbucks which plugs the hole in the lid to keep it from splashing out all over the place when you are driving because you like your lattes with no foam, but the lack of foam means a lack of proper surface tension so it sloshes around splashing on your iPod causing it to short out, and you have to go to the Apple store and raise a ruckus and they try to fix it because you tell them it is under warranty, or so you think, then they tell you its two months or so over so they want to charge you, but you storm out in a huff and key the managers car instead so that you feel better and drive off stuck listening to your cassette tape of "The Cars", which is your only option because your radio don't work, due to the fact you broke off your antenna one day after you tried to slide over the hood of your car on your butt like the Dukes of Hazard or Mel Gibson in Ransom.
I know this kid
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