Quick Note: I don’t like hitching a ride or hijacking other people’s jokes or humor. Actually, if I thought I could get away with it, why not? So, with that being said, I would like to give partial credit to Greg Gutfeld of Red Eye on Fox News Channel for his “peanuts” remark that aired on TV a couple nights ago. This most certainly contributed to the following blog entry. I normally have no problems ripping people off, but I know if I don’t say something, someone is going to approach me and flip me crap for it. So now you can just bite me. Having covered my ass, which I would never do if I were to meet Greg in person, here is my pathetic attempt at a little word play. Enjoy, or press back on your browser. Whatever.
On A Simple Case of Peanuts Envy
For you socially awkward people as myself, perhaps this may ring a bell. You remember those damn perfect smug bastards in high school who got everything from perfect sporty DNA to prom king? They are talented in sports, popular, and they always get the girl! Damn I hate them, and still do as a matter of fact. It’s a bitterness welling up inside me and my therapist is working on it constantly with heavy medication and electro-shock therapy. High school may have been bad for you, but try having a peanuts allergy and have these types of people set their sights on you, rubbing their peanuts in your face. Like you needed it any worse than it already was. You going home every Friday night crying, with your only company being silence, tears and an industrial sized container of petroleum jelly. No, they just can’t let you be, they still need to pick on the little guy in order to somehow increase their social standing amongst their peers, which could not possibly be improved upon anyway. Yes, we have all been there.
In Wenatchee, Washington, the very same city that had a run in with a Pterodactyl and located in my home state, 19-year-old Joshua Hickson overheard a conversation in the school’s lunch room where a student commented that he had an allergy to peanuts. The day was September 8, 2008 and it will forever be a day of infamy when one thinks upon spreadable food products. Hickson gave the boy a peanuts facial by using a nearby PBJ sandwich as a weapon and slapped some of the creamy peanuts butter upon the victims forehead, which hopefully didn’t get in his hair.
Hickson you’re a jerk! Yet, with a name like Hickson, he probably is a varsity quarterback or something and could most definitely kick my ass. Crap! I live in the same state as this guy and am still sore from getting a wedgie at work the other day and really don’t want another. Likewise, a purple nurple wouldn’t be pleasant, nor a Charlie horse, or a swirly. I hope he doesn’t read this and track me down. Hickson, I am sorry! I am sorry Hickson!
Anyhoo, the boy goes and gets cleaned up and time passes, but then Hickson, who I am sure is really handsome by the way, is informed he needs to appear in court to defend himself against assault charges. Yet, an injury didn’t even occur to the victim and there isn’t any emotional scarring beyond that which happens in the course of a normal high school day with all its clique warfare. The creamy peanuts didn’t cause any harm whatsoever to the whiny little bitch. However, the victim did say that he had issues in the past with peanuts touching his face, or skin and causing a reaction. I don’t know why this was enough to send Hickson to jail.
Hickson only got four days, but I found it curious that he was convicted based on what could have happened rather than what did. I mean sure, this would make sense in relation to an attempted murder case or something, but I found the incarceration of Hickson for minor assault with a condiment to be stupid. It seems too minor of an offense to warrant charging someone on a pure hypothetical. Trust me, I didn’t have it great in high school and am still picking bits of my old Fruit of the Loom’s out of my rectum. However, kids are kids and teens are teens and it should have been dealt with by the school and by the parents just like it would have everywhere else. Perhaps the victim just got jealous of how Hickson could handle the delectable peanuts and got a real strong case of peanuts envy.
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