On Julia Child's Patriot Games

In addition to her work on Mastering the Art of French Cooking and The French Chef, Julia Child and the Office for Strategic Services were responsible for creating WWII propaganda, going behind enemy lines, gathering military plans and creating disruption among enemy combatants. She also took part in the development of a shark repellant that kept sharks from detonating allied weaponry prematurely. So among her many fans, we can add the shark, for it was by Julia’s valiant efforts that hundreds of the animals were not blown up in gargantuan underwater explosions.

It was after the bombing of Pearl Harbor that she started her pre-cooking celebrity career at the OSS alongside the likes of Supreme Court Justice Arthur Goldberg, Sterling Hayden, who had a role in the "Godfather", White Sox catcher Moe Berg and Thomas Braden who wrote the book “Eight is Enough,”which later was the inspiration of the TV show. It was upon the backs of these brave men and women that the fate of the free world rested, and indeed they didn’t let us down.

The OSS was around before CIA and its failures in intelligence analysis, DHS and the protection of our borders and robbing of citizens privacy, and the OC and its frequent manifestations of young adult debachary. It was her strong sense of duty to her country that she found another way to serve the nation with the OSS after the Navy turned her away for being too tall, for Julia Child is 6’2”; a true monstrosity of a woman. They say she died in 2004, but my source who calls himself Oscar, whom I met in a back alley under a heavily traveled viaduct, says she may be on a mission somewhere in Pakistan or Afghanistan. I tried to contact Condoleezza Rice concerning my theory, but to no avail. I went down the list of former heads of the State Department, but promptly got tackled by security on every occasion, until I got to Warren Christopher. I asked him what he knew, if anything, concerning Julia Child's whereabouts and he responded rather abruptly that I was an idiot and to get off his lawn. He is definitely hiding something. One thing I know is that all of us in the free world owe Julia Child a debt of gratitude, not only for making the world safe for democracy, but also in giving us a rather divine recipe for Escargot. Godspeed Julia, godspeed!